


Lost in Another (Remembrance)

by withaflourish



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Memories, Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 15:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5544818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withaflourish/pseuds/withaflourish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Her parents had always said that she was blessed with the gift of photographic memory. These days, it felt more like a curse. Damn flashbacks."<br/>After Thane's death, Shepard goes to Huerta Memorial Hospital to deliver a tissue sample, but painful memories rise to the surface. This is what happens when grief can be suppressed no longer, and when a human experiences tu'fira.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost in Another (Remembrance)

> "It's so easy to leave me/  
> All alone with the memory"  
> -Memory, Cats

 

Shepard paused in front of the doors to Huerta Memorial Hospital. She’d managed to keep herself busy since Thane’s death, finding one excuse or another to avoid the ever-filling wards in the Citadel hospital. There was always another mission to go on, another person to find, another place to be that wasn’t the cold sterile halls of the hospital. But she had just found a valuable tissue sample during the most recent raid on Cerberus, and there were no more excuses left. She knew that one of the doctors at Huerta needed the sample to help treat hundreds, if not potentially thousands, of burn victims. Once again, duty was calling – personal hesitations be damned. Drawing a breath that trembled ever-so-slightly, Shepard rolled back her shoulders and opened the doors.

She strode through the entrance lounge briskly, doing a cursory scan of the area without slowing down. The sooner she could find that salarian doctor, the sooner she could get out of this damn hospital.  With no sign of him in the lounge, she continued into the inpatient area.

She peered into the first inpatient room, hoping to catch a glimpse of the doctor, and-

_Thane is lying on the hospital bed, breathing ragged and shallow. He shifts slowly to face her as she enters the room, gingerly walking around the various medical machines._

_“Siha, I am glad I could see you once more before Kalahira takes me.” He smiles gently, and Shepard is struck by how fragile Thane looks. Her strong and powerful assassin, now weak and bed-ridden and… and dying._

_“Thane…” She’s at a loss for words. She realizes that their time is short, that there is so much that she ought to say, but she doesn’t even know where to start. How do you condense an entire potential lifetime together into a few short minutes?_

_“I…” How is she to express the regret of the last six months she’s missed, the lost time that she will never get back?_

_“We…” How does she begin to explain that she would move mountains, drain oceans, watch the whole galaxy burn if it meant that she and him could just run away from this…_

_This god-forsaken room._

The memory knocked the wind out of her, grief knotting her insides into a jumble. Her parents had always said that she was blessed with the gift of photographic memory. These days, it felt more like a curse. Damn flashbacks.

She flexed her hands, trying to shake off the effects of the flashback, to refocus on her task. With a slow, controlled exhale, she started walking again, continuing her search for the doctor.

She found him in one of the small labs off of the main hallway, looking intently into a microscope.

“Excuse me, Doctor,” she said, running her fingers through her close-cropped blonde hair as she pulled out the vial containing the tissue sample she had found. “I had overheard that you were trying to create a new treatment for those burn victims; perhaps this will help?”

The salarian took the vial from her, examining it for a brief moment before beaming in delighted recognition. “Ah, a tissue sample? Thank you Commander Shepard! This will save a lot of lives.”

“Just doing my duty,” Shepard said, flashing him her ‘people smile’ – the one she used for news interviews, politicians, and other civilians that weren’t used to the stone-faced composure of -

_“I have an observation, siha,” Thane says softly as one finger gently caresses the curve of her jaw._

_“Oh?” she murmurs, leaning into his touch as her arm wraps around his waist._

_“That smile of yours. It seems… different. There’s a warmth to it that I don’t see when I go out with you on missions.”_

_Shepard can’t help but grin, ducking her head slightly as a coil of happiness unfurls throughout her body._

_“Yes, that one exactly.” His voice is filled with such wonder and tenderness. Shepard doesn’t know what she’s done to deserve such joy, but she loves it all the same._

_She presses a quick kiss to his lips. “Well, consider it a special smile just for you then.”_

Shepard whipped around and walked away from the doctor, quick strides trying to distance herself from the memory and its vice grip around her chest. Sometimes, she wondered how drells could ever cope with their total recall; her memories were already unbearably vivid, and yet to a drell they would be considered dull and imperfect. How was it possible to get any more immersed in your memories, to re-live them over and over again, and yet continue to live your life?

There was no time to wallow; her task was done, and now she could leave this hospital and all of its ugly memories behind. There were a million different tasks to keep her mind occupied, a million missions to throw herself into to escape these painful flashbacks.

As she approached the wide glass windows in the lobby, she slowed down despite herself, transfixed by the sweeping vista below her. Coming to a stop, she looked at the wide channel of water stretched out beneath her, waves gently lapping against the glass and metal structures of the Citadel.

A wave of sorrow hit her like a ton of bricks, and she felt her knees begin to wobble. She rested the palm of her hand against the cool glass to steady herself. She had to press onward, to stay strong, to-

_“I will meet you across the sea._ ”

_“It is a state called ‘tu-fira’: lost in another.”_

_“Guide this one Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me.”_

Hot tears began streaming unbidden down her cheeks, as a ragged sob escaped her. It all just hurt so much. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to think, it hurt to remember.

No. She would not let the memories win. Her hands curled into fists and she leaned her forehead against the window, struggling to stay upright. She tried to push the memories to the back of her mind as she had been doing for weeks, to keep the grief and sadness locked tight away.

But it was all too much. Her knees finally buckled, and the weight of a thousand memories crashed down on her shoulders as she crumpled to the floor.

It just wasn’t fair.

It just wasn’t fair.

It just wasn’t…

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the-sylph-of-butts as part of Mass Effect Secret Santa 2015.


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